Saturday, March 22, 2014

In what world is this an onion??

After another awesome night, here we are at the breakfast table again. 

Glitz - Can I have a bite of your onion momma?

Me - No. 

Glitz - Please can I have a bite of your onion?

Me - No. 

Glitz - Pleeeease can I have a bite of your onion?? 

Me - Fine. Here. 

Glitz - Ew. I don't like onions. 

Me - It's not an onion. It's a bagel. 

Glitz- I don't like bagels either. 

I think I may spontaneously combust. 


I might run away today.

Yesterday was amazing.

We had an excellent playgroup, we got McDonald's, we played with The Hussy (my ginger friend) and her girls, we played with my Sister Wife (my neighbor friend) and her kids, we had homemade pizza for dinner, and we all went to bed early and peacefully. 

And then...

10:30pm - Glamour was up. I got her back down easily and went back to bed, taking a few minutes to check Facebook and what not. Dozed off by 11. 

12:00am -  Glitz needs me. Frantic shouts for "MOMMA! MOMMAAAAA!!" I half stumbled out of bed, trying to grab my glasses and phone at the same time. Only got the phone, so although I had a flashlight, I could barely see to open the app. 
Me - What do you need??
G - mommy, you make this horse talk. 
Me - it's not time to make horses talk. It's time for sleep. 
G - but . . . I need fresh water. 
I stumbled blindly to the kitchen, got fresh water and ice and threw it at her from the doorway and crawled back in bed by 1:00am. 

2:00am - Glamour is up again. Orajel and a sippy of water and she's good. I was on my way back to bed and Glitz caught me in the hallway. 
G - momma! I need to go potty! 
Helped her go potty, reiterated that this wasn't the time to make the horse talk, got more ice for her water, tucked her in four more times and fell back into bed by 3:00am. 

4:30am - Glamour is up. Again. Chewing on her hands and yelling "paw paw!" which is Glamour-speak for Paw Patrol. Gave her ibuprofen, orajel, a baby doll and headed back to bed. 

5:00 am- Glitz shows up in my bed, asking to watch Paw Patrol on my tv in the bedroom. (What is with that dang show?! It's like crack for kids.) 
I said no and put her in a submission hold until she passed out. 
I mean until she drifted off to sleep. 

6:30am - every appendage and her water bottle are tucked UNDER me. I unearthed every last pokey appendage and pushed her back to the other side of the bed. I moved as far as I could to the opposite side to avoid her. 

7:30am - "Good morning mommy!! Let's have breakfast!"

^^ that's what I imagine she looked like when she said that. I wouldn't know. 

This was the abridged version. If you'd like the full unabridged version, I invite you to come spend the night with us. 
No. Seriously. Please. 


Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Princess Glitz and her Demands of Epic Proportions

This morning for breakfast, Glitz decided she wanted a waffle. Here's a snippet of our conversation. 

Glitz: I want a waffle... a blueberry waffle!

Me: would you like it hot or cold?

Glitz: hot. No, warm. On a plate... No, no  plate. 

Then she waited patiently while I got the waffle to the perfect temperature. (Of course I'm lying.) 

I delivered it to her with promptness and a smile. I was quickly reprimanded for my  enthusiasm. 

Glitz: don't smile momma. Don't ever smile. 

The next several minutes went something like this: Cut it. Don't cut it like that. I didn't want it cut!! 
I don't want to feed it to myself. Feed it to me. 
I don't want to move my mouth, you make my mouth move!
I can't hold the fork, you do it. Hold it right there so I can see it. Now let me hold the fork. The fork handle is warm, I didn't want the fork handle to be warm!!!!

Finally, after the waffle was cold and soggy, she decided it had reached the perfect temperature and preparation. 


Hope your breakfast was less demanding than mine. 


Sunday, March 16, 2014

What did YOU accomplish this weekend?

I am pretty much THEE most accomplished person you'll read about today. Let me just share with you the things I've gotten to do this weekend. You can be jealous, that's cool. 

1. I got to eat cold macaroni and cheese out of the pan with a wooden spoon over the sounds of Peppa Pig. 
Yay! No extra dishes!

2. I got to clean up grape juice from Glitz, her chair, her jammies, the floor, the dog toy, and Glamour's shoe. 
Yay! Here's to spot cleaning the floor! 

3. I got to wear my pajama pants all day because any distance greater than 14" resulted in a monster meltdown from Glitz.
Yay lazy jammie day! 

4. I got to run the same load through the washing machine for the third time because I let them sit so long.
Yay! No clothes to fold! 

5. I got to experience what a tissue must feel like, because I had snot wiped on me no less than 48 times. 
Yay for being a human Kleenex! 

6. I got to feed Cap'n Crunch to the birds in the backyard since Glitz dumped half the box on the floor. 
Yay wildlife!

7. I got to sit on my butt during both of Glamour's naps today because Glitz needed me to watch Mickey's Once Upon a Christmas with her. Twice. 
Yay for ignoring the blatant need to do housework! 

8. I got to sleep a glorious total of 12 hours over the course of three nights because my kiddos just love hanging out with me. 
Yay for middle of the night parties! 

9. I got to eat dino chicken nuggets for nearly every meal because that's all Glitz wants to eat right now, and with OG at work, there's no point in me cooking for just me and Glamour. 
Dinos and steamed mixed veggies again? 
Yay! Easy meal planning! 

10. I got to drink my coffee while playing fetch with Glamour. It's not really *exactly* like fetch... I mean, she's not a puppy... but she really enjoys bringing the ball back after I throw it. And it bought me like 20 minutes of relative peace. 
Yay lazy parenting! 

Oh and best of all - I got to pee with an audience EVERY SINGLE TIME! Yaaaaaay for never ever being alone! 

I hope you've had as fabulous of a weekend as I have. :)


Here's a pic of Glitz and Glamour swinging. Because they're cute. 

Friday, March 7, 2014

Will you be my friend?

Why is it so hard to make friends once you become an adult? 

All through school it was easy. It just happened. "Oh you like licking paste? Me too! Let's be friends!" Or "you hate showering after gym class in front of the gargantuan PE teacher with the butchy haircut? Me too! Friends!"

Then college was simple. You share a bottle of some potent liquid with someone, and BOOM. You're besties. Someone else holds your hair, now she's your bestie too! 

But then you get in the real world and it's hard to get to know anyone on a more personal level. You've got work or the kids to lead you to the friendship, but them you've gotta have something to back it up. 

So here's a couple things lately that have worked for me since having the girls:

1. I bought something off someone on a local resale site. I went to pick it up and she was nice, her house didn't stink, and the kids were the right age. I think at one point I might've actually said "so do you want to be friends?" and then laughed awkwardly. 
She said yes. 

2. I asked an acquaintance for her cell number. Then I texted her "you are a hussy." Somehow that formed a bond between us, and although she's a ginger, we've become quite close. 

3. Met a nice mom at playgroup. I was miserably pregnant and sick, she was miserably pregnant and sick. It just made sense.
When we realized my daughter Glamour was to be born on her son's bday, I think that just sealed the deal. 

So get out there. Talk to everyone and anyone. Fly your freak flag. 
Someone will eventually like you, or at least tolerate you enough to hang out once in a while. 

If all else fails, I'll be your friend. :)

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

It's all about meeeeeeee!

Just kidding. It's not about me anymore. Not at all. It's about these two tiny people who've moved in and taken over with all their stuff. I expect they'll leave sometime, but until then they'll ruin my life. 
Oops. Autocorrect. I meant run my life. 

We are a family of four living in Midwest, Indiana. The tiny people, who we'll call Glitz and Glamour, are ages three and one respectively. OG is the baby daddy. He's thirty-something. I'm Bex and I'm 29, and don't you ever question that.

We've got a herding dog and two geriatric cats (seriously, how freaking long do cats live?!?). 

We spend most days playing and reading and annoying one another. Today we've only accomplished one of those things. I'll let you guess which one we did. 

Anyway, several people have been on me to start a blog. Here it is. It's a pretty lame "getting to know you" post, yet it does what it's supposed to. 

I hope to provide you with entertainment and occasionally a really simple recipe or two. (That's the only kind of food I make.) 

This is me in a ball pit. Glamour was in the foreground but made her escape just as I was snapping our selfie, so I cropped her silly butt out. 

See you soon!